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Regarding Resilience

A Week in a Buddhist Monastery: An Exercise in Patience and Forbearance

November 21st, 2023

I first encountered meditation in my mid-twenties. Surprisingly perhaps, it was while working at the international management consultancy firm, McKinsey & Company. I was part of a project which was analysing how the performance of executives was impacted by how they spent their time. With the key caveat that correlation does not always equate to causation, the most striking finding for me was that almost all the top performing executives meditated. Furthermore, they didn’t just meditate before/after work, or at weekends, it was incorporated into their working day.

Work at McKinsey is largely project based, so there is a continual cycle of working with one team, and then moving on to work with another. A year or so into my time at the company, I joined a team which seemed ‘different’. It was calmer. Although work was still conducted at a fast pace, it was more relaxed. Deadlines were still set and met, but the atmosphere was ‘loose’ rather than ‘tight’. It turned out that everyone on the team (apart from me) meditated regularly.

Up until this point, I’d had a very narrow/biased view of meditation. To me it belonged in Buddhist monasteries in Tibet, or to the counter culturalists who wanted to ‘Turn on, tune in and drop out’. Now I was seeing it in the ‘mainstream’, and it appeared a useful aid to performance. So, for the last 20 years or so, I’ve ‘dabbled’ with meditation. In a good week, I may meditate five or six times for around 10 minutes each time. More typically, I manage three to four 10-minute sessions and a smattering of ‘micro-meditations’, where I pay attention to the inhale and exhale of 10 breaths.

I’ve persisted though; in part, because my experience at McKinsey established a belief that mediation aids performance. Given my desire to perform well in various areas of life, I therefore felt it was something I should do. It’s also piqued my curiosity. I find it intriguing that something that appears to be so simple;

‘Just focus on your breath’

can be so difficult to achieve, on account of distractions by thoughts, feelings and other sensations.

Over time, I’ve come to appreciate that there is no such thing as a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ meditation. The very thoughts and feelings that prevent me focusing on my breath are often ones that I’ve been unaware of or have tried to dismiss too soon. Creating the time to meditate allows me to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings and either accept them more fully, or attend to them more constructively. On the rare occasions when prolonged focus on the breath is achieved, I perceive that I’m subsequently calmer and able to think more clearly.

So, with this ‘amateur’ interest in meditation, how did I end up at an intensive, week-long meditation retreat at the Samye Ling Centre (the largest Buddhist monastery in Western Europe, situated in the rural lowlands of Scotland)? Well, old friends will tell you that a personal motto of mine is;

‘If you don’t have a go, you’ll never know.’

Having just gotten over a potentially life changing illness, my (often naïve) enthusiasm for new experiences has been reenergised. Added to this was a growing interest in Buddhism. My perception that it advocates universal compassion on the one hand and emotional non-attachment on the other, interests me in relation to both intimate and professional relationships. I’m also a great believer in the inherent value of immersing yourself in a completely different way of life (even if just for a few days). Doing so invariably broadens my perspective and helps me appreciate what I truly value. If I’m lucky, it can also make me aware of, and then question, truths I’ve (often unconsciously) developed in my ordinary life with respect to ‘how life is’. In terms of the retreat, each day was structured around six 60-90 minute sessions, so 42 sessions in total. The first session on each day started at 5.30am and the last finished at 8.30pm.

The first session felt quite auspicious, around 140 people were assembled in what to me was a very elaborately decorated temple: lots of gold and hundreds of statues of the Buddha. Then our teacher for the week, a purple- and orange-robed lama, who had flown in from Nepal, entered the temple with his translator. Gongs sounded, chants were made and the more ‘serious and knowledgeable’ attendees (of which I was not one) performed a series of prostrations and genuflections. An overview of the week and some very basic rudiments of meditation were then outlined.

Of the remaining 41 sessions, 40 of them basically involved non-directed meditation, or the lama sitting at the front of the temple and (via a translator) telling the assembled that we could NOT learn ‘real’ meditation because;

“you are fixated with happiness and most of you have mental health problems.”

Instead of teaching meditation, he gave what, to me, were very different perspectives on some fundamental human characteristics. For example, in his view;

“Kindness is understanding your stupidity and then showing continual endeavour to reduce it. The general Western approach to kindness is spoiling the individual.”

From my perspective, time was also given over to publicly criticising the monks and nuns of the monastery and hours were spent talking about a yearlong retreat which only a handful of people seemed remotely interested in. Questions could be asked, but they had to be submitted in written form. There was also some sporadic, but very in-depth analysis of (what seemed to me) an obscure Buddhist text.

In short, it was bizarre. People were leaving early and many (including myself) were asking why a meditation retreat had been organised, if it was not considered possible for us to meditate. The need for a translator compounded the frustration, as there could be over 20 minutes of incomprehension before the lama stopped speaking and the translation began.

And then came the 42nd and final session and the lama’s answer to the final question; ‘Can you give some insights into how to meditate?’.

The lama proceeded to introduce the six Buddhist perfections:

Generosity.
Morality.
Patience.
Energy.
Meditation.
Wisdom.

He stated that the order of the perfections was very important. He then proposed that many of us may well have found the week frustrating, because it was uncomfortable sitting for hours and not understanding what was required to meditate. If so, this was good, as this was developing the third perfection of patience. By sticking at it, and returning to the temple, session after session, we had also been developing the fourth perfection, energy, grit, forbearance and perseverance. These are the key precursors for meditation: you can’t hope to meditate without patience and energy. Finally, at the very end, he gave a 10 minute insight into how to meditate and then it was all over! As a trainer and facilitator, I had deep admiration. On the basis that the lama’s approach was intentional, in my view it takes real resolve to try and frustrate 140 people for almost an entire week, in order to illustrate a point.

Was it worth it? Absolutely. Ultimately, it gave me some valuable insights for meditation, which was my primary aim for the week. Like with so many memorable experiences though, the most valuable insights were unexpected. Firstly, it was a privilege to gain a completely different perspective on fundamental issues such as kindness, happiness and suffering. It highlighted that certain ‘truths’ I have are WEIRD: they are based on experiences and research from largely Western, Educated, Industrial, Rich and Democratic countries. Alternatives exist.

Secondly, it provided a valuable reminder that cognitive understanding is not the same as knowledge. Experience and the emotions that come with experience are crucial too. For example, before the retreat, I understood and agreed with the value Buddhism places on accepting unpleasantness. I cognitively accepted that it is often my response to the event (rather than the event itself) that creates the most suffering. When I suffer the most, it’s due to the effort I’m making to resist the way things are, because I want things to be different. However, experiencing almost a week of persistent frustration made me really know this to be true. For me, the author Arnold Bennett summarises it well;

‘There can be no knowledge without emotion. We may be aware of a truth, yet until we have felt its force, it is not ours. To the cognition of the brain must be added the experience of the soul.’

Finally, I valued experiencing a series of dichotomies in relation to my emotions. During the week, I felt: • Pride, hubris and humility • Frustration, boredom and the energy/motivation that comes from gaining insight • Loneliness and connection • Confusion and clarity • Dread and excitement • Resentment and admiration • Sadness and happiness • Guilt and compassion In short, by the end of the week I felt a fuller, more authentic human being. Going forward, it will be interesting to discover the extent to which this fullness can be retained, back in my ordinary, WIERD world.

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A Primer on Sleep

August 22nd, 2019

“There is a time for many words, and there is also a time for sleep.”

Homer, The Odyssey

‘A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.’

Irish Proverb

The Impact of Sleep

I’ve been fortunate to interview consistently successful people across an array of specialisms: organisational leaders, scientists, teachers, sports men and women, soldiers, actors and musicians. A practical characteristic they almost all shared was a focus on getting a good night’s sleep.

This finding is increasingly being backed up by scientific research. While there are some well publicised examples of high achievers claiming to need only four or five hours sleep per night, research suggests that the vast majority of us need seven to eight hours of quality sleep.

In her book, The Source, Dr Tara Swart states that:

A disturbed night’s sleep can reduce your IQ by 5-8 points the next day

While such a reduction is not enough to inhibit your ability to function, it’s unlikely to lead to your best work.

More starkly, Swart highlights research indicating:

An entire night’s disturbed sleep (e.g. taking an overnight flight) can reduce your IQ to a level akin to being drunk the next day

In addition to IQ, Swart stresses the replenishing/cleaning impact of sleep and its importance in reducing the risk of dementia. A video summarising Tara’s work can be viewed by clicking here.

“I’ve always envied people who sleep easily. Their brains must be cleaner, the floorboards of the skull well swept, all the little monsters closed up in a steamer trunk at the foot of the bed.”

David Benioff, Writer and Director

A lack of sleep can also lower your body’s immune system and start to impact on your mood/what you focus on. An interesting piece of research highlighting the latter, involved a memory test where participants were asked to remember sets of emotionally positive neutral and negative words. Participants who had a poor night’s sleep were able to remember 40% fewer words relative to those who weren’t sleep deprived, but they remembered far more negative words than positive ones. (1)

For me, the result suggests the evolutionary importance of sleep. A lack of it poses a risk to survival and puts our brains on alert for danger, hence the focus on the negative, rather than the positive.

“Sleep is the golden chain that ties health and our bodies together.”

Thomas Dekker, Actor

For all these reasons, sleep is increasingly being prioritised by those wanting to stay resilient and particularly those with management and leadership responsibilities.

How to Get a Good Night’s Sleep

“When action grows unprofitable, gather information; when information grows unprofitable, sleep.”

Ursula K. LeGuin, Author

For many, there is no great secret that needs to be discovered in order to get a good night’s sleep. The key is not so much gaining a new understanding to the practice of sleep, but strictly practicing your existing understanding.

Consequently, adhering to the following rules is often enough to get a good night’s sleep:

Challenges

Significant events e.g. having a child, going through a divorce, facing a bereavement, or a particularly stressful period at work can lead to sleep problems; even if you strictly adhere to the above ‘rules’. Generally though, when such events pass, or become manageable, good sleep returns. For an unlucky few though, sleep can remain elusive, even when the above are followed and no major events are being faced. If this is the case, there are four steps I’d suggest taking:

(i) Seek expert medical advice to rule out potential medical conditions

You may have a medical condition e.g. vitamin deficiency or sleep apnoea that is causing your sleep problems.

(ii) Explore whether your mind has become ‘wired’ for a lack of sleep

I’ve known people who have gone through such a long and sustained period of stress, that sleeplessness has become a habit and they have convinced themselves that they are a ‘bad sleeper’. In addition to the above ‘rules’, such people have often found that relaxation exercises, mindfulness or neurolinguistics programming (NLP) techniques have also been required. In severe cases, where trauma has occurred, exploring therapy and counselling options has also been required to bring about change.

An increasingly common issue I see in my coaching and mentoring work is that the gap between one particularly stressful period at work and the next is becoming shorter and shorter, until work is consistently very stressful. Unless the person’s perspective to stress can change, the harsh reality is often that either the workload needs to change, or the person needs to change jobs.

(iii) Investigate whether your body needs realigned

Sometimes, there’s a physical explanation for poor sleep. For example, if your pelvis, back, shoulder or neck is slightly out of alignment, then lying for long periods can readily become uncomfortable, no matter how good your mattress. Such discomfort leads to you waking up, without always being consciously aware of the discomfort and thus able to connect it with your sleep problems. An initial consultation with an osteopath should identify whether such an issue exists and subsequent treatment can readily realign your body so no discomfort arises during sleep.

Many who solve their sleep problems at this point can often trace back the beginning of their sleep problems to an accident or injury (e.g. a car crash, sport injury). However, this is not always the case.

(iv) You may be part of a special minority

If none of the above apply to you and you are not suffering from having less than six hours sleep a night on a consistent basis, then you could be one of the small minority of people who don’t require as much as everyone else. In which case, don’t worry about and use your extra time wisely!

“If you can’t sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there and worrying. It’s the worry that gets you, not the loss of sleep.”

Dale Carnegie, Writer and Consultant

A Note on Gender, Aging and Sleep

The menopause for women and an ever increasing prostate in men can lead to sleep problems as both genders age. Although medication exists to tackle some of the symptoms of both conditions, efficacy can be mixed and these areas would appear under-researched.

Prioritising Perspective in Tough Times

November 20th, 2018

Balance is a word that comes up a lot in mch training. This is because mch’s training aims to improve performance and I have found that a common trait of the consistently successful is that their lives are relatively well balanced across a variety of areas. Balance is particularly relevant in mch’s resilience training, which is an increasingly popular training topic. The resilient are invariably able to balance a number of complementary traits, e.g. they are reflective while also being very able to stay in the present. They focus on quality thinking and also readily tap into their emotions. They have high aspirations whilst being content with ‘enough’.

It is important to note that applying such traits does not immunise you from adversity. There can still be tumultuous times when nothing appears stable and despite your best efforts, life does not seem balanced.

After a recent run, the act of stretching provided an apt analogy, not only for the struggle for balance in tough times, but also for how best we can meet the challenge. Have a look at the following video:

As someone who normally has good balance, I was struck by how difficult it was to do so in this position. Nothing seemed stable or still: the sand was moving from under my foot and the sea was moving around my ankles. Looking out, the boats were continually bobbing up and down and even when I tried to focus on the horizon, it was usurped by the continually moving clouds just above it.

In an analogous way, there have been times in my life when it seems that nothing is stable and nothing can be relied upon.

However, take a look at the next video:

I am in exactly the same spot on the beach. The only difference is that I have turned 180 degrees and am now facing the shore. Doing so has allowed me to focus on a rock above the tide line, and it is now much easier for me to maintain balance. There is now stability in my field of vision, even though the world around me is exactly as before, and I am still impacted by many of the same issues e.g. moving sand under my foot and moving water around my ankles.

So the message here is that in tough times, prioritise perspective. Where you focus your attention is key. Even in tough times, if you position yourself wisely and are disciplined about where you direct your attention, you will hopefully find at least one ‘touch stone’. For me, a ‘touch stone’ is anything that provides stability when so many other areas of life are in flux, or under strain. Common ‘touch stones’ are particular people (a friend, partner, family member), an activity you find enriching, or simply a reminder of some fundamental realities, e.g. I am healthy. I live in safety. I have enough food to eat. Sometimes, the reason for one’s difficulties is that something, or someone, that you considered a ‘touch stone’, is now in flux. However, in my experience, it is very unlikely that all your personal ‘touch stones’ will simultaneously become unstable.

So in tough times, prioritise perspective, know your ‘touch stones’ and focus on the ones that restore as much balance as possible.

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Don’t Leave Goals to a Throw of the DICE and Keep All Four Wheels on the Bus

May 9th, 2017

I recently read an excellent book called - ‘Will it make the boat go faster?’ The book tells the story of how Ben Hunt-Davis and his crew became Olympic rowing champions. In addition to his riveting story, the coach and comedian, Harriet Beveridge, outlines how elements of Ben’s approach to becoming Olympic champion are equally applicable in helping you and I achieve our goals.

At the risk of stating the obvious, being motivated by a goal can greatly increase the odds of it being achieved. However, no amount of motivation can prevent misfortune and setbacks from occurring and it is during the tough times that motivation can be tested. Something that galvanises motivation is belief. Without belief, the odds start to turn against you and the likelihood of success becomes akin to a throw of the dice. But how is belief developed? A useful acronym Ben and Harriet developed to guide the development of belief is DICE.

Here the mixed metaphor of the above picture (hopefully) becomes clear. To increase the odds of achieving your goal, you’ve got to keep all four wheels of the bus going round and round. While each wheel is independent, all four need to be present. Otherwise, you’ll come to a grinding halt. The four wheels for belief are:

D – Deserved

I – Important

C- Can do

E – Exciting

Having all four of the above greatly increases the odds of success.

Deserved

This wheel gets to the heart of why so many goals fail – we simply do not believe we are worthy enough to achieve the goal. We all talk to ourselves (whether we’re prepared to admit it or not). Sometimes such self-talk can be positive and affirming, while at other times it can be negative and limiting. In my mentoring work, one of the biggest issues I help mentees with is silencing the limiting self-talk and turning up the volume of the affirming self-talk.

This is not done through wishful thinking, as affirmation and positivity are most powerful when they are based on fact and sound judgement. A very simple and effective way of doing this is to write down five reasons why it is completely reasonable that you should achieve your goal. For example, if your goal is to successfully apply for a job, your reasons may include:

(i) I fit all of the essential criteria

(ii) I have experience of doing well in a similar role

(iii) I have successfully applied for jobs before

(iv) I have prepared fully for the recruitment process

(v) I am genuinely enthusiastic about the role and organisation

Important

Very simply, to stay motivated by a goal, you need to have a compelling answer to the following question:

‘Why is this goal important?’

The answer should sit well with your values, and clearly articulate how it will improve your life and/or the lives of others.

Can Do

Even if you are not clear initially on how you will achieve your goal, you need to believe it can be done. As the successful car manufacturer, Henry Ford, succinctly put it:

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t - you’re right.”

Exciting

Excitement is the powerful accompaniment to ‘Importance’ and ‘Can Do’. In addition to being clear on why the goal has value and rationally persuading yourself that it can be achieved, it must stir the emotions. The stronger the emotion the better. Thus, if proving someone wrong puts more fire in your belly than a sense of achievement, then go with the former.

The great Greek philosopher, Aristotle, stated that to persuade and convince others requires Logos, Ethos and Pathos: that is logic, an appeal to ethics/credibility and emotion. A great goal requires the same, together with a genuine sense that you deserve it. All the best with your goals!

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Regarding Resilience

A Week in a Buddhist Monastery: An Exercise in Patience and Forbearance